Coming out in later life

The full, unedited email:

I’m nearly 50 and have been married for almost 30 years (first boyfriend). Several years ago I fell for my best friend, we are still very close. Certain things have made me now believe that I have always been bisexual and I’m struggling to make sense of it if I’m honest. When I look back I think there were signs but I kind of ignored them and went down the husband, children route. I still like men but am definitely more attracted to women now. I love my children dearly and am worried how this might affect them so have kept it to myself. The only people that know are a couple of very close friends. I believe that some of my other friends would find it hard to accept so wont mention it to them.

Just wondered if anyone else had been through similar and how they dealt with it?

Our sister response:

You most certainly are not alone in this discovery in later life, and it brings with it many different complications than the ones we are more used to advising on. As you say you've lived a life that up until now (and even now I imagine) felt right. You've done what many young women do; marrying young and having a family.

Your new found desires will never detract from those things, nor the love you feel for your family, but just as you have felt like your sexuality has been hidden from you, so too might the people in your life feel the same. It's only natural. The people closest to you will feel you have kept a secret. The important thing to note is that they are not alone in that feeling, because it has been as much a surprise for you as it will be for them. I'd be frank about that.

I would undoubtedly say you have always been bisexual, but an early choice in partner can easily mean those feelings are not realised or expressed until later life. Even if you had known at the time it would not necessarily have changed the course of your life, something you should make sure you're family understand. You married (I hope) for love, and admitting an attraction to the same sex would not have changed that.

Now that you have recognised your attraction to women as well as men, and have admitted it to yourself, the first thing to do is acknowledge what a hugely brave thing that is to do. You should be proud of that. How you now proceed is likely to be affected mostly by the people surrounding you and more importantly what your intentions are regarding exploring these new found feelings.

Some film-maker friends of mine released a film last year entitled "Jan's Coming Out" - I heartily recommend it for some inspiration! It follows Jan who is a not so dissimilar position to yourself, and a whole host of people commenting candidly on the subject.

In regards as to how you now move forward and acknowledge your bisexuality with your loved ones, the fear of rejection you feel is no different to any other coming out. It's real, it's hard. It takes guts. A lot of people test the water first, engaging in surrounding topics. Ultimately I think many people find strength from others who have been through similar situations, and often the topic is only broached when they have a partner to support them through it.

But that's why you came to us, so we can open the door to the wealth of experience our projecteers have had.

So I'll let them do what they do best :)

Sofia
p.s really, do watch that movie, and visit their page and chat to Jan about it, she's lovely.

Disclaimer: We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here. If you feel you have advice to offer, feel free to comment below, as always. It's important no-one feels alone, that's what this project is all about after all.

Note: All correspondence is reproduced here without editing, except to protect the users identity. Please excuse all typos and other faults you may find. When emotion is high, grammar is a low priority.

Looking for advice in dealing with parental homophobia

The full, unedited email:

Hello,

I found you on facebook earlier. Firstly can I mention how good the charity song is, its the first time i've heard it and I love it :) I just wondered if your able to give out any advice?

My story:

I've liked girls all my life, but I only really realised a few years back. Last year I told my aunty I was gay and see encouraged me to tell my parents. I was scared but was slowly mentally preparing myself to tell them. It was my mum who I was mainly concerned about. One day my parents were arguing and my aunty was messaging me telling me I needed to tell them the truth. The arguing got really bad so I walked out and rang my aunty hoping that she would pick me up and take me back to her house. She did the opposite. She drove me home, locked me in the car and ran into my house, into the middle of a full blown argument and announced my sexuality.

My dad ran out to me, I was histerical. He took me for a drive and I calmed down. I then went back home later that night after my aunty had told me, my mum was fine, shes calmed down, upset but not as bad as I thought. To me this was unusual and I was right. I walked into my living room and my mum didnt even look at me for days she ignored me or made nasty comments at me. 4 days past and I asked if I could speak to her. I had started to put myself in denial because I felt I had lost my mum, let her down and lost my best friend. After my dad encouraged her to come and talk to me, I told her it wasnt true.

One year later and I'm still in the 'closet'. I have had one ex girlfreind and I am now seeing a beautiful girl who I adore. However I have moved away to uni now and so things are a lot better for me and I am more open. When I come visit my parents though, its like I live a separate world. My mum keeps asking if I have a boyfriend or if I'm lesbian. However she is very homophobic. She tells me that if I dare turn out to be gay I will be written out of the family will, I wont be a part of the family and I will be no daughter of hers. My cousins are gay and so its very common in my family however she feels its disgusting, not right and she looks out more for the familys reputation.

I dont no what to do, I know I need to tell her but i'm scared. She is my best friend but she puts me down all the time because of all the comments regarding my sexuality. People say she knows deep down but i'm not sure.

I hope you can help, a little advice, anything?

Thanks,
*****

Our big sister response:

 Hi *****,

Thanks for emailing us here. We do try to respond to all emails as soon as possible, but it does sometimes take time!

It's great that you have your uni environment as a safe place where you can be yourself, and where your relationship can flourish. Having that is good because you know how it feels not to hide who you are, or feel ashamed of it. And then of course coming home to the separate life with the relationship you now have with your mother is compounded by that fact.

Losing the close relationships you have in life merely because of who you are is something a lot of people go through. You are certainly not alone in your current journey whereby you have this separation. And your denial to your mother is through fear of losing her. I understand that; losing a mother is one of the hardest things anyone can go through, but to lose her over something like this - well, it has to be not only heartbreaking, but incredibly frustrating too.

It seems obvious to me that there are two courses of action for you to choose between. You can continue to be in denial around your mother, who clearly doesn't believe you anyway if she's always asking you about it, or you can take the very brave step, being aware of the consequences she has outlined (which are very real, and which she *may* act upon) and be honest.

Your continued denial is unlikely to ever repair your relationship with your mother. It sounds from your description as though she won't believe you even if you did get a boyfriend. And I don't advise you ever doing that unless the fluidity of your sexuality genuinely does change. Even then, it will not change the fact that you do and have liked girls in a romantic way.

There are plenty of people who go well into adulthood continuing to live two lives. Often moving far away from their families to live their real life openly, and then pretending when they come home. They do it for many reasons, fear, protection... But what kind of relationship, based on that lie, would you have with your family? Your dad, your aunt, they all know the truth anyway.

Long term I think you know that your relationship with your mother will never be the same, and I think the only possibility for it being repaired is with honesty. That of course runs the risk of losing her forever, and I'm not going to tell you otherwise. That fear is very real. But there is hope.

Your mother is bound to you, both biologically, and by the years she has spent bringing you up. She is programmed to protect you. The conflict within her is probably incredibly great. Tied up with the disappointment of your actually being gay is not just the stigma, but her loss of hopes and dreams that she may have had for you. For many people, adjusting those dreams is very difficult, even after they have accepted the truth.

The very best thing you can do is be strong. If/when you eventually decide to tell her for real, be strong, for her as well as you. Show her you understand she is ashamed and upset and angry, but that you are not ashamed of who you are, that you are a good person and a good daughter and she should be very proud of you, because she has played a big role in making you who you are. But she didn't make you gay. When homophobic people discover their own child is gay, they think it's their fault.

As you know, fault implies something is wrong, which it isn't (and is therefore insulting), but even if it were, she didn't 'make you gay' -- that's the first thing I'd tell her. "You didn't make me gay, but you did make me an incredible person brave enough to stand here despite your obvious hatred of me, and want to fight for a relationship based on truth."

Your mother's bigotry could very well be the worst you have to deal with when it comes to acceptance. Make sure you surround yourself with accepting people. Make sure you have back up. Make sure you're ready for the ride before you set off. Many people don't have that luxury.

I hope anything of what I've said has helped. And I'd really like to post your letter to us anonymously on our blog. Because I think you'll discover that a LOT of people have gone through exactly what you're going through, and their advice could be just what you need to hear. Let me know if you'd be open to that.

Hugs
Sofia

Disclaimer: We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here. If you feel you have advice to offer, feel free to comment below, as always. It's important no-one feels alone, that's what this project is all about after all.

Note: All correspondence is reproduced here without editing, except to protect the users identity. Please excuse all typos and other faults you may find. When emotion is high, grammar is a low priority.

I need help - 14yrs - North Western Area of New York

As many of you know we get a lot of emails -- people thanking us for producing the song, asking for advice, offering help etc. Occasionally we get mail from people needing more than just a bit of advice. When this happens we, with consent and full anonymity, appeal to our community in hopes they can offer their advice and support, as well as utilise their (your) combined knowledge. If you can help please leave a comment or email us with "Letter of L - 14yrs NY response" in the subject line. Thanks.


The full, unedited email:

Hi. My names ****** and I'm 14. I am a lesbian. I have a girlfriend. We live in a very conservative area of New York, USA. We're out to the school but my parents don't know. My parents won't know until I am 18 and can support myself. We have been dealing with bullying in our school since day 1. Our principal and guidance counselors won't help us. Their only advice was to break up and find boyfriends and forget who we are. There is no support group in our community at all. The bullying keeps getting worse and worse. We have no where to go. I've tried emailing so many places and groups... none have every replied. I heard the song and it instantly made me cry. You guys seem different from the other groups I've tried contacting. Both my girlfriend and I deal with depression and self harm related to the bullying. I want to know what we can do. I'm so close to giving up. Everywhere I reach out for support has turned me down. Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore.

******



Our big sister response:

Hi ******, 

First thing is, don't give up.

I'm sorry to hear about the absolute lack of support you've had. Your story is not at all uncommon, but it sounds like you've done everything you can to seek that support, which is admirable.

Given your age I also understand the restrictions placed on you regarding finding the help you need. You seem to have a very sensible head on your shoulders, however. Already making plans about how to ensure your future is better, and preparing for potentially difficult times ahead regarding your coming out to your parents.

What you do have is access to the internet, which has brought you here. As you know, we're based in the UK, so knowing the right direction to send you in over in NY won't be easy. But that doesn't mean we can't do it!

What you need is to find a supportive online group with people who know your area well. We will do what we can to help you find that.

In order for me to do that I need to know if you'd be happy with my posting you mail to us, completely anonymously of course, on our blog site? This way we can appeal to people in/around your area with better knowledge than us. And also, you'll see from the responses how many people want to help!

Let me know

Hugs

Sofia

Additional note: Since this email our projecteer in need and her girlfriend have indeed broken up. Let's get her the support she needs, and hopefully her ex-girlfriend too.

Disclaimer: We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here. If you feel you have advice to offer, feel free to comment below, as always. It's important no-one feels alone, that's what this project is all about after all.

Note: All correspondence is reproduced here without editing, except to protect the users identity. Please excuse all typos and other faults you may find. When emotion is high, grammar is a low priority.

I am 19 years old and I need some advice...

The full, unedited email:

Hey it's ******* from the Facebook page.

I am 19 years old and I need some advice. I am in love with my best mate who used to be my ex; I have been living with her and her for over a year now. We have been secretly on and off for ages; her family doesn't know that she is gay. I am having trouble because she is now 'bored' of me and she likes new things. She said she doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that she likes to occasionally kiss me or other things; I have tried to say no but I get weak around her. Now all of a sudden she has moved on and I am absolutely heart broken; I look like the bad person because nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. I haven't felt this low in myself for ages and now I want to just give up. I don't know what else to do. She is also controlling; I can't get any piercings because she dislikes them and will rip them out, if I get one, she will kick me out of her home. I have one tattoo and would like to get more but if I do then we won't be friends and she won't care; she said she isn't friends with people like that.. I feel worthless and unattractive. I don't know what else to do.Your charity song "it does get better" always makes me cry cause I feel like it's just not going to happen for me; you are my inspiration right now and I didn't know who else to turn to.I hope you can at least give me some advice ..

Thank you for hearing me out; I am forever grateful and I appreciate your time.

****** ***************

Our big sister response:

Hey ********, 

The best advice I can give you is this:

When you fall for someone it's like an obsession, and anyone who has felt that knows exactly what you're going through. In a few years time you'll hopefully look back on this period of your life and not recognise the person you were, not even understand how you could have felt that way about someone who treated you so badly. Most people have experienced this, whether they are brave enough to admit it or not. I know I have.

The key thing is: You don't get over the last big thing, until you meet the next. To meet that next person, you have to be open to it. 

The problem is: There's often nothing more attractive than someone who keeps pushing you away. What you can't have, is always coveted most. It's human nature. And it means that we often neglect and don't recognise the people who truly care about us, even when they are right under our noses!

The fact is: If someone is pushing you away, you need to move on.

What should you do? Change something. It sounds to me like you and she cannot be just friends so long as you feel this way, and for you to move on, you need to do just that. Find a safe place with friends that you can live, and recover.

I've moved cities before now to find some peace of mind and a place free from history. I'm not suggesting you do something that drastic, but you certainly need to do something. It can be liberating to meet new people, and be able to be the person you really are, without the influence of someone who is a negative in your life.

You are in control of your own destiny, no-one else. You know you're not happy, you've reached out for advice. Write a list of things that you want to achieve, that would make you happy, that doesn't involve/rely on being in a relationship. Do all of those things on that list - or at least attempt to. And realise that not achieving them doesn't mean you failed. Failing is about not trying.

If you can learn to be happy on your own, without the need for someone else to justify your existence, that's when you'll trip over the next person who sends your heart into a spin. This time you'll be a stronger person.

Be brave soldier, and start taking control,

Sofia

Disclaimer: We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here. If you feel you have advice to offer, feel free to comment below, as always. It's important no-one feels alone, that's what this project is all about after all.

Letters of L

'Letters of L' is an area where The L Project would like to share some of the wonderful emails, comments, and handwritten notes that our projecteer send us.

Not only this, but we'd like to share personal stories from our projecteers about their lives (anonymously or otherwise), and how they have overcome hard times, as well as offer support and advice where we can.


We must stress that we are just human beings trying to help, we are not counselors, therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. But we do have some pearls of wisdom on occasion, and we also have an incredibly supportive home here.

If you have something you'd like to share with us, please email us info@thel-project.com.

Thanks
Sofia